be here

Today my heart is heavy. I woke up this morning feeling this way - distant, sad, hurt. But why?

Selah.

[pause, reflect].

What is God trying to tell me? 

[lean in, ask questions].

So out loud, in my bathroom, with tears in my eyes, I did.

“Jesus, why is my heart so heavy?”

Seconds later, an unfamiliar song played on Pandora. The first line:
“I’m tired, I’m worn, my heart is heavy.”

The song continued to play as my jaw continued to drop. It was all about resting in Jesus. He knows, He knows, He knows.

So I did some resting and some praying and some soul-searching. I asked some questions, and He gave some answers, and then He prompted me to share.

---

It is hard. It is hard to laugh with friends that I know I’ll be leaving. It is hard to get out of bed to walk a campus I may never see again. It is hard to attend classes that likely won’t matter. It is hard.

I have 5 weeks left of school here, and 5 months until I’m on the other side of the country.

Only 5.

I’m tempted to shut down, to retreat, to distance myself, because it might make it easier when it’s time to go. But I don’t want to live this way. I don’t want to forgo coffee dates and movie nights because they make me feel sentimental. I don’t want to waste my days.

In just 5 months, I will be somewhere new. The people, the places, the sights, the schoolwork, the challenges, the comforts; they will all be different. But my God will be the same.

He is challenging me now to continue to build relationships. He is asking me to love with reckless abandon and to pursue dreams and fellowship and ideas HERE. Because this is where I am now.

Jesus knew He would only have 33 years on earth, and only 3 with His disciples, but He loved more than anyone else will in a lifetime. He lived with intention, and then He asked us to do it too.

I have a lot to look forward to. In 40 some days, I’ll be on a plane to Israel. Weeks after, I’ll be on my way to a summer full of God, laughter, children, friends, songs, and camp. In 5 months, I’ll be driving to Washington to begin a new adventure. For all these things, I am SO excited. But I am also excited for these next 5 weeks full of girls' nights, crafting, hammocking, conversations with classmates, late night baking while cramming for exams, roommate dinners, dance parties, Bible studies, silly photo shoots, and living in this moment. I don’t want to wish this time away.

There is a quote by Jim Elliot posted on a cupboard in my small apartment kitchen. I look at every morning as I reach for a coffee mug. But today, I really saw it.

“Wherever you are, be all there.”

Let's encourage and challenge each other with this. Let's be the kind of people who are intentional in their conversations, their relationships, and their pursuits. Let's love each other with everything we have for whatever time we have. Let's be here.