be here

Today my heart is heavy. I woke up this morning feeling this way - distant, sad, hurt. But why?

Selah.

[pause, reflect].

What is God trying to tell me? 

[lean in, ask questions].

So out loud, in my bathroom, with tears in my eyes, I did.

“Jesus, why is my heart so heavy?”

Seconds later, an unfamiliar song played on Pandora. The first line:
“I’m tired, I’m worn, my heart is heavy.”

The song continued to play as my jaw continued to drop. It was all about resting in Jesus. He knows, He knows, He knows.

So I did some resting and some praying and some soul-searching. I asked some questions, and He gave some answers, and then He prompted me to share.

---

It is hard. It is hard to laugh with friends that I know I’ll be leaving. It is hard to get out of bed to walk a campus I may never see again. It is hard to attend classes that likely won’t matter. It is hard.

I have 5 weeks left of school here, and 5 months until I’m on the other side of the country.

Only 5.

I’m tempted to shut down, to retreat, to distance myself, because it might make it easier when it’s time to go. But I don’t want to live this way. I don’t want to forgo coffee dates and movie nights because they make me feel sentimental. I don’t want to waste my days.

In just 5 months, I will be somewhere new. The people, the places, the sights, the schoolwork, the challenges, the comforts; they will all be different. But my God will be the same.

He is challenging me now to continue to build relationships. He is asking me to love with reckless abandon and to pursue dreams and fellowship and ideas HERE. Because this is where I am now.

Jesus knew He would only have 33 years on earth, and only 3 with His disciples, but He loved more than anyone else will in a lifetime. He lived with intention, and then He asked us to do it too.

I have a lot to look forward to. In 40 some days, I’ll be on a plane to Israel. Weeks after, I’ll be on my way to a summer full of God, laughter, children, friends, songs, and camp. In 5 months, I’ll be driving to Washington to begin a new adventure. For all these things, I am SO excited. But I am also excited for these next 5 weeks full of girls' nights, crafting, hammocking, conversations with classmates, late night baking while cramming for exams, roommate dinners, dance parties, Bible studies, silly photo shoots, and living in this moment. I don’t want to wish this time away.

There is a quote by Jim Elliot posted on a cupboard in my small apartment kitchen. I look at every morning as I reach for a coffee mug. But today, I really saw it.

“Wherever you are, be all there.”

Let's encourage and challenge each other with this. Let's be the kind of people who are intentional in their conversations, their relationships, and their pursuits. Let's love each other with everything we have for whatever time we have. Let's be here.

and it will be beautiful

Are you serious, God?

ALL ALONG YOU KNEW.

When my voice trembled with fear as I tried to express what You were laying on my heart, You knew.

When my eyes filled with tears because what You were asking was too big and too scary to imagine, You knew.

When my heart filled with hurt over the words of someone close who doesn't know You and couldn't understand, You knew.

When my body collapsed with exhaustion over the sheer uncertainty of it all, You knew.

When my hands moved with bravery as I dialed the number of a good friend to ask their help, You knew.

When my mouth spoke with steady confidence about Your goodness, You knew.

When my feet moved with swiftness as I boarded a flight to seek Your clarity, You knew.

When my knees bent with surrender as I begged for Your peace, You knew.

When my mind filled with thoughts and hopes about this next place, You knew.

When my ears filled with laughter of the people You would have me meet, You knew.

When my arms wrapped around the strangers who had become friends, You knew.

When my legs jumped for joy over the letter in the mail, You knew.

All along You knew.

---

I feel overjoyed to share this news about God’s faithfulness to me with all of you: I will not be returning to Grand Valley State University in the fall, and rather, will be moving to Spokane, Washington to attend Moody Bible Institute and major in biblical studies.

What a journey it has been to get to this place. God has affirmed and affirmed and reaffirmed each and every decision I have made along the way and has shown up more than I ever believed possible. He has stretched me and grown me and deepened my trust and my faith in Him and His perfect plan. In the confusion, in the silence, in the hurt, in the misunderstanding, in the waiting, He was good. In the peace, in the hope, in the surrender, in the clarity, in the joy, He was good. He is SO good, friends.

I have had the best two years here at Grand Valley, and have met some of the dearest people I have ever known. I would not change a single day of my time here, as it has led me to exactly where I am. I can’t wait to see what this next adventure holds. With God, it promises to never be boring.

I could spend all morning writing about each moment and testament of God’s provision, love, and plan, but I think I will leave it at this:

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

Ecclesiastes 3:11

What is He making beautiful in its time in your own life? God retains His right to mystery, but He is not a God of confusion. He is never scared or uncertain about what He is going to do in your life. HE ALREADY KNOWS. Ask questions, lean in, pray big, and believe Him for more. The same God who breathes galaxies into being breathes life into you and me and has desires, plans, and beauty for our time here.

Thank You, Lord.