but You have called me higher

It is 1:47 a.m. and I am wrestling with my own thoughts.

When did this feeling begin? 

When did this season change? 

When did God speak this quiet truth to my heart? 

I don't know the exact minute that it happened. I wish I did. I wish there was a specific time I could recall; a picture perfect moment when I just knew things were going to be different. But there isn't . . . There are many moments. Small nudges, slight pushes; little by little, leading me in a new direction.

A tiny word on a journal page, shaky handwriting and uncertainty about what prompted me to write it. Ministry? A Sunday morning sermon about obedience. A book suggestion that would leave me undone. A conversation with a stranger in a coffee shop about studying the Bible. A phone call with a dear friend that would both encourage and challenge me. A worship song that would leave me in the kind of tears that free you as they fall ". . . but You have called me higher, You have called me deeper, and I will go where You will lead me, Lord."

This last month has been filled with more terror and uncertainty than I have known in any other season. But my God has also given me more peace and grace than I will ever be worthy of. Even when I am doubtful, unsure, and downright faithless, He is faithful, for He cannot deny Himself. He shows up; He holds me together. He knows I am scared; He assures me that He can handle that. 

There are so many things in this life that, quite frankly, I don't know. I don't know where I will graduate from, where I will live, who (or if) I will marry, what I will do, or if I will even wake tomorrow. God never promises us this. He does promise that His plan is GREATER than we could even ask or imagine. I am okay with not knowing. 

In the words of Annie Downs (author of "Let's All Be Brave"): 

"He knows you. He knows we need dreams in pieces because we would be too scared of the whole puzzle." 

What truth! Could my flawed and feeble human heart handle the God sized dreams that the Creator of all this universe has for me? 

I don't know what's next, but I do know some things. I know there is change coming. I know that as I sit and wrestle with this, the same God who breathed the galaxy into being is working on MY behalf. How unworthy I am. 

The LORD will fight for you, you need only to be still. 

[Exodus 14:14]

May He be glorified in all the earth, and may He be glorified in my life.