be here

Today my heart is heavy. I woke up this morning feeling this way - distant, sad, hurt. But why?

Selah.

[pause, reflect].

What is God trying to tell me? 

[lean in, ask questions].

So out loud, in my bathroom, with tears in my eyes, I did.

“Jesus, why is my heart so heavy?”

Seconds later, an unfamiliar song played on Pandora. The first line:
“I’m tired, I’m worn, my heart is heavy.”

The song continued to play as my jaw continued to drop. It was all about resting in Jesus. He knows, He knows, He knows.

So I did some resting and some praying and some soul-searching. I asked some questions, and He gave some answers, and then He prompted me to share.

---

It is hard. It is hard to laugh with friends that I know I’ll be leaving. It is hard to get out of bed to walk a campus I may never see again. It is hard to attend classes that likely won’t matter. It is hard.

I have 5 weeks left of school here, and 5 months until I’m on the other side of the country.

Only 5.

I’m tempted to shut down, to retreat, to distance myself, because it might make it easier when it’s time to go. But I don’t want to live this way. I don’t want to forgo coffee dates and movie nights because they make me feel sentimental. I don’t want to waste my days.

In just 5 months, I will be somewhere new. The people, the places, the sights, the schoolwork, the challenges, the comforts; they will all be different. But my God will be the same.

He is challenging me now to continue to build relationships. He is asking me to love with reckless abandon and to pursue dreams and fellowship and ideas HERE. Because this is where I am now.

Jesus knew He would only have 33 years on earth, and only 3 with His disciples, but He loved more than anyone else will in a lifetime. He lived with intention, and then He asked us to do it too.

I have a lot to look forward to. In 40 some days, I’ll be on a plane to Israel. Weeks after, I’ll be on my way to a summer full of God, laughter, children, friends, songs, and camp. In 5 months, I’ll be driving to Washington to begin a new adventure. For all these things, I am SO excited. But I am also excited for these next 5 weeks full of girls' nights, crafting, hammocking, conversations with classmates, late night baking while cramming for exams, roommate dinners, dance parties, Bible studies, silly photo shoots, and living in this moment. I don’t want to wish this time away.

There is a quote by Jim Elliot posted on a cupboard in my small apartment kitchen. I look at every morning as I reach for a coffee mug. But today, I really saw it.

“Wherever you are, be all there.”

Let's encourage and challenge each other with this. Let's be the kind of people who are intentional in their conversations, their relationships, and their pursuits. Let's love each other with everything we have for whatever time we have. Let's be here.

and it will be beautiful

Are you serious, God?

ALL ALONG YOU KNEW.

When my voice trembled with fear as I tried to express what You were laying on my heart, You knew.

When my eyes filled with tears because what You were asking was too big and too scary to imagine, You knew.

When my heart filled with hurt over the words of someone close who doesn't know You and couldn't understand, You knew.

When my body collapsed with exhaustion over the sheer uncertainty of it all, You knew.

When my hands moved with bravery as I dialed the number of a good friend to ask their help, You knew.

When my mouth spoke with steady confidence about Your goodness, You knew.

When my feet moved with swiftness as I boarded a flight to seek Your clarity, You knew.

When my knees bent with surrender as I begged for Your peace, You knew.

When my mind filled with thoughts and hopes about this next place, You knew.

When my ears filled with laughter of the people You would have me meet, You knew.

When my arms wrapped around the strangers who had become friends, You knew.

When my legs jumped for joy over the letter in the mail, You knew.

All along You knew.

---

I feel overjoyed to share this news about God’s faithfulness to me with all of you: I will not be returning to Grand Valley State University in the fall, and rather, will be moving to Spokane, Washington to attend Moody Bible Institute and major in biblical studies.

What a journey it has been to get to this place. God has affirmed and affirmed and reaffirmed each and every decision I have made along the way and has shown up more than I ever believed possible. He has stretched me and grown me and deepened my trust and my faith in Him and His perfect plan. In the confusion, in the silence, in the hurt, in the misunderstanding, in the waiting, He was good. In the peace, in the hope, in the surrender, in the clarity, in the joy, He was good. He is SO good, friends.

I have had the best two years here at Grand Valley, and have met some of the dearest people I have ever known. I would not change a single day of my time here, as it has led me to exactly where I am. I can’t wait to see what this next adventure holds. With God, it promises to never be boring.

I could spend all morning writing about each moment and testament of God’s provision, love, and plan, but I think I will leave it at this:

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

Ecclesiastes 3:11

What is He making beautiful in its time in your own life? God retains His right to mystery, but He is not a God of confusion. He is never scared or uncertain about what He is going to do in your life. HE ALREADY KNOWS. Ask questions, lean in, pray big, and believe Him for more. The same God who breathes galaxies into being breathes life into you and me and has desires, plans, and beauty for our time here.

Thank You, Lord.

my prayer in the desert

When is the last time you got in way over your own head? Maybe you had no clue how you were going to meet a deadline, or how you were going to pay a bill. Or maybe you just didn't have the capacity to extend any more love or encouragement to someone, because you were feeling empty yourself.

This semester at the ministry group I attend on my campus, we are studying the Old Testament. This study has come to affirm a few things I know to be true.

1. God is big.
2. God is present.
3. God is faithful.
4. God is a provider.
5. God is God.
6. We are not.

Even the people in the Bible were in over their heads. Just take a gander at the Israelites wandering through the desert not sure when their next meal or sip of water would be. They needed God to provide the manna, and to lead them to the water. And even though they grumbled and they doubted, still God showed up for them.  They just couldn't do it by their own accord, and neither can we. Thankfully, we don't have to. We have a big, present, faithful, providing, and loving God who will show up for us. Every single time.

I've spent this entire semester in over my head. Drowning in assignments, commitments, decisions, and uncertainty. But still, God is God. And still, He shows up.

Let me tell you a story.

Last semester, I heard about a trip that Campus Ministry at Grand Valley was going to be taking to Israel in May. The moment that I heard this, tears sprang to my eyes and I was sure the room was spinning. Uhm, hello, God, what is happening here? Gently, He whispered to my heart. "You're going to Is . . ." Before He could even finish, I was thinking of every possible thing that could stop this.

But God . . .

My family won't let me.
I don't have the money.
I have too much else to do this summer.
I don't have a passport.
I'm not even confident that I could point out Israel on a map. (Don't judge me.)
It's not safe.
I don't have a suitcase big enough. (I'm not kidding - I thought of this.)
Did I mention I don't have the money?
I think I'm going to pass out.

As these stories tend to go, God was right. I'm going to Israel. And it has not been without stress, worry, and tears from both my family members and myself. Especially when it came down to the money. (Side note: They're not kidding around when they use the term "broke college student." I'm fairly confident that if you looked this term up in the dictionary, you'd find a picture of me eating a bowl of Ramen Noodles.)

Anytime someone would ask about my trip, and how I was going to pay for it, I would say "God will provide!" with a smile on my face. And while I hoped this to be true, and believed it in my head, I don't know that I believed it in the depths of my heart. I made it very clear to God - I was scared. But He could handle this. After all, He is God, and I am not.

Last weekend, I did my final fundraiser for my trip. It was a great success (shout out to all of you who bought chocolate covered strawberries!), but there was still a gap of around $1000 that I would need to pay for the trip. Let me tell ya: I don't have $1000 lying around. So I asked God for it. And then I repeated Matthew 7:7 until I was blue in the face.

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." 

The next day, I went to lunch with some friends. On my way there, a line from a worship song I have heard hundreds of times caught my attention in a new way.

"This is my prayer in my hunger and need, my God is the God who provides." 

I took this as affirmation; everything was going to be okay. At the end of the lunch, these dear friends of mine handed me an envelope and told me they wanted to further support me in my trip to Israel. I had never told these friends how much I had left to raise or about my desperate prayer the night before. I went to my car and opened the envelope. Inside, there was a check for one thousand dollars.

Friends, be encouraged today that God knows our need, and God hears our prayers. He absolutely knows we're all in over our heads. This is where He wants us, because this is what allows God to be God. He is big, He is present, He is faithful, and He will provide.

Whatever you're in need of, whether it be $1000, or just enough grace and peace to make it through the day, our God is the God who provides.

the Ultimate Life Coach

I have this neighbor. Her body is 72, but her soul is much younger. I learned this about her when I spent some time with her over the holidays. I was at her house, helping her to wrap Christmas gifts for her grandchildren, when she told me she'd like to be a life coach. Well, actually, she started by telling me about some of her crazier online dating experiences on seniorpeoplemeet.com, and how some of the men she met "really needed to get it together." THEN she told me she should be a life coach. And I laughed. Not because of her stories (although those were a hoot), but because of the absurdity of the idea of a life coach. What does a life coach even do? Help you plan your future? I can't even decide what to have for breakfast . . . if someone was always popping up, asking about where I see myself in ten years, I'd just about lose my mind.

But then, my neighbor, and new found friend, looked me in the eyes and laid down some truth. "Clare," she started, "life is what happens when you're busy making plans."

Okay, what in the world, Marsha?! We were just laughing about balding men making fools of themselves over coffee, and now you're speaking directly to my soul? And right then and there, I became her first life coaching client.

I'm kidding. Kind of. But let's get serious: she is so right.

Now, before we get too far into this discussion (okay, monologue) about making life plans, I want to tell you something that I've come to believe.

God has a sense of humor.

I mean, I was voted best sense of humor in my 8th grade mock elections, and I was created in His image . . . (Sorry, I will actually use any excuse to work that into conversation).

I think God laughs. And I think God laughs at us and at our plans. The same way we chuckle at a movie character who is positive she will end up with the guy, even though we know he's in love with someone else. And we laugh in the "bless her heart" or "keep trying, Sister" kind of way because we can see the bigger picture, and we know the ending, and man, oh, man, is she off.

If you've never watched a movie with me, first of all, you're one of the lucky ones. You should probably keep it that way forever. I'm a movie talker. And a yeller, and a screamer, and a crier. Because WHY DON'T THEY KNOW THAT IF THEY LEAVE THE PARTY ALONE AT NIGHT WHILE THERE IS A SERIAL KILLER AT LARGE, THEY GON' DIE TODAY?

I imagine this is how God sees us sometimes: as these silly little characters in this movie called Life who just really don't have a clue. Profound, I know.

There are different kinds of plans, of course. If we never made any plans, we'd all be elusive, mysterious, non-committal weirdos. If we didn't plan to meet with friends, we just wouldn't have them. If we didn't plan to budget our money, well, we'd probably be broke (although some of us are already there, thank you very much). If we didn't plan a wedding, we wouldn't have pictures to look back on, and a group of people we love surrounding us to celebrate a special day.

But these aren't the plans I'm talking about. I'm talking about the kinds of plans that we hold so tightly, we don't have a free hand to grab the better plan God has put RIGHT in front of us. Like when we plan to live in the same town we grew up in forever, because it feels safe and familiar, but God is calling us somewhere new. Or when we plan to graduate in four years flat, no excuse, but God has revealed a new passion causing a change of major during our third year. Or when we plan for a future with someone who doesn't better us for His cause, because we're afraid to be alone. These are the plans that are hardest to let go of, because doesn't God know it's too scary for us to trust Him with these things?!

Each day, we get a choice. We can hold tightly to the plans we've made for ourselves, or we can believe that our God is worthy of our trust and that His plan is BETTER. Let's empty our hands of the plans that no longer serve to grow us or further His Kingdom.

Choose to let go with me today, friends.

but You have called me higher

It is 1:47 a.m. and I am wrestling with my own thoughts.

When did this feeling begin? 

When did this season change? 

When did God speak this quiet truth to my heart? 

I don't know the exact minute that it happened. I wish I did. I wish there was a specific time I could recall; a picture perfect moment when I just knew things were going to be different. But there isn't . . . There are many moments. Small nudges, slight pushes; little by little, leading me in a new direction.

A tiny word on a journal page, shaky handwriting and uncertainty about what prompted me to write it. Ministry? A Sunday morning sermon about obedience. A book suggestion that would leave me undone. A conversation with a stranger in a coffee shop about studying the Bible. A phone call with a dear friend that would both encourage and challenge me. A worship song that would leave me in the kind of tears that free you as they fall ". . . but You have called me higher, You have called me deeper, and I will go where You will lead me, Lord."

This last month has been filled with more terror and uncertainty than I have known in any other season. But my God has also given me more peace and grace than I will ever be worthy of. Even when I am doubtful, unsure, and downright faithless, He is faithful, for He cannot deny Himself. He shows up; He holds me together. He knows I am scared; He assures me that He can handle that. 

There are so many things in this life that, quite frankly, I don't know. I don't know where I will graduate from, where I will live, who (or if) I will marry, what I will do, or if I will even wake tomorrow. God never promises us this. He does promise that His plan is GREATER than we could even ask or imagine. I am okay with not knowing. 

In the words of Annie Downs (author of "Let's All Be Brave"): 

"He knows you. He knows we need dreams in pieces because we would be too scared of the whole puzzle." 

What truth! Could my flawed and feeble human heart handle the God sized dreams that the Creator of all this universe has for me? 

I don't know what's next, but I do know some things. I know there is change coming. I know that as I sit and wrestle with this, the same God who breathed the galaxy into being is working on MY behalf. How unworthy I am. 

The LORD will fight for you, you need only to be still. 

[Exodus 14:14]

May He be glorified in all the earth, and may He be glorified in my life.